2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
