Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
zippers are such a cool invention
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
