I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
