I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Yeah its great. Whenever we want a new bowl we hand it to Trevor and he clears it in one hit. Definitely one of the benefits to having a swimmer in your circle.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
