Sometimes I forget to take my socks off when I masturbate. This always makes me feel like I'm accidentally in a porn.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Randomize
