I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Randomize
