either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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