I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Yeah and you keep saying "I know how to win America." While running away from us
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
i am craving dick and cupcakes
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
Randomize
