I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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