Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
