Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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