Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
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