I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
did he think i wouldnt notice the naked girl in the backseat
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
