i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
Randomize
