somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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