Can i come over
After you called me a desperate slut? No
Come over
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Randomize
