.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
