so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
