There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
