My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Randomize
