i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
