I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
