I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
im walking the streets of bville with a bag of cat food..looking for my car. i dont ever want to turn 21 again.
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
