two pink lines on a pregnancy test is bad, isn't it?
only if you didn't want to fuck up your life.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize
