That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
but, alas, I am not the lady in the streets. I'm simply the freak in the sheets.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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