I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
