Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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