I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
