They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
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