Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Randomize
