fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
