Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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