Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
