She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
How does one acquire holy water?
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I cannot believe I am seriously having a conversation about my best friend's sexual prowess as a dream lesbian.
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