I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I ripped off the screen and literally supermaned through my bedroom window. That wasted
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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