You made eat vitamins until I threw up
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
when I said eat the rich I didn't mean like that but here we are sucking that capitalist dick
Randomize
