Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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