i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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