we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
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