My underwear smells like fireworks.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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