Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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