Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Randomize
