I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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