Don't make out with my wife yet
so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....
oh shit that had to have been awkward
i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for
are you so shy because you have an std?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Randomize
