i may or may not have been spotted by tourists while getting head in the vicinity of the jefferson memorial
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
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