Your face is a jimmy john
dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
