corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
Randomize
