i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
two words: eviction party
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Randomize
