wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
