I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Randomize
