god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
The last good decent convo we has was when I was trying to convince you to let me watch you pee.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
