You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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